Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.