@timdonakowski: Your baby's cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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@B1gBrainsMcGee: If you watch COPS backwards it's just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
@nbadag: [movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
@Jennco_W: Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.