Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*