“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
You Might Also Like
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The biggest mystery of our time
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos