@topaz_kell: "Your bathroom has better lighting for selfies" wasn't a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
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@envydatropic: You never worry about the size of your doctor's fingers until you need a rectal exam. I know this now.
@Tups13: When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.
@ClaytonSykes: Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
@QwertyJones3: [standing next to the boss at the urinal] Ok, don't act weird. "That's some impressive bladder volume, sir."