Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Big Sex has us all fooled
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
ACED my prostate exam!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids