Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”