Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.