Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I love art.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache