@Parentpains: Your blood pressure looks normal, I'll fix that. - Children, every five minutes.
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@kiel_phillips: ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas
@OneFunnyMummy: All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway. -lies parents tell themselves
@marinarachael: I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽
@JaneBadall: My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.