why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday