@TheTweetOfGod: Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
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@TheToddWilliams: ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock WIFE: A WHAT? ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
@kunalkamra88: I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.
@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
@EasilyTempted: If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.