[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.