Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.