Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I just ran a .003048K
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.