Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.