@MikeRevenaugh: Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say "You silly goose."
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker....
@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@2tickytacky: OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
@TheWoodenslurpy: I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.