Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.