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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.