@DearAuntAbby: Your call is important to us, we'll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
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@DiscoFruit: me: *lights cig* do u smoke? girl: no, cigarettes killed my father me: oh, cancer..? her: no, an army of them, gunned him down me: wait what
@david8hughes: [last supper] "Wine!" exclaims Jesus touching everyone's water glasses. "Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol."
@samuelhlowe: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.