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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
The only equipped I am is ill.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
that colleague who touches your screen
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”