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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*3.5 thank you very much.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.