@roxyisrad: Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
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@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
@liv_thatsme: *1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.
@nintendoesnt: waitress: i’m sorry your food is taking so long! me: *presses forehead against hers* listen to me. i know it’s not your fault. i love you. i am tipping you 80%.