@roxyisrad: Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
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@JasonLastname: Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
@SondraDeeMe: [first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
@jonnysun: CANADIAN: im a canadian DATE: cool i've never met a comedian befor CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]