Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
When you let grandma cat sit
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]