Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Same pineapple, same
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
inventing words: clothing
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away