Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some