“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
o shit
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..