@ozzyunc: Your cat doesn't love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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@krissywillbretz: Brain: stop eating! Me: why B: you'll get fat M: so? B: there's only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach! M: oh *stops eating*
@dlicj: flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me
@dubstep4dads: "you okay man?" listen dude... i know what im doing *lights a cigarette backwards* ive seen Guy Code like six times
@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later