Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?