@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
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@rickkondell: Things that don't kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
@BadMikeyBad: Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats
@BakedBrotatoes: Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she's ready.
@gerryhallcomedy: My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.