@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
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@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
@StansaidAirport: I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
@kelownagoose: Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... "Wow...Are you sure that was for me?" And wait.