[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us