@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
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@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
@70Ceeks: Chefs who can't admit failure present: Soft-boiled eggs Steak tartare Twice-baked potatoes Sour cream Calzones Pineapple upside down cake
@SufficientCharm: TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
@NicestHippo: It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency