@TheLastPeg: Your 'Chemistry' with your girlfriend is great if you remember her 'Periodic Table'.
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@Ygrene: [Murderer enters my bedroom] Murderer: murdering time! Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers) Murderer: SON OF A
@_MustBeArkaydia: Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
@Bownuggets: Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"
@JordyHamrick: So what happens if I neglect to "safely" remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.