My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.