Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.