@TheMichaelRock: Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt.
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@SamGrittner: Saw a guy with three lip-ring piercings on the subway today. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.
@onion_an: [knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: MISSING CAT❗️ -Answers to the name "Chancellor Parsons" which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.