My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.