Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You Might Also Like
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.