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I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old