Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror