“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.