Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.