I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith