Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
inside you are two wolves
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.