Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback