Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours