{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.