Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.