Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Holy shit he’s back
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks