Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
new record!
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’m not wrong
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?