Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.