*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
spot the difference
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?