Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental