Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?