Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*