When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You Might Also Like
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
This will teach them to underestimate me
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.