getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You Might Also Like
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.