Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol