I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around