@ibid78: Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, Jason. The second was thinking that they went with that dress.
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@FlyJ_: My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
@MeganBaca1: Sitting behind a couple in this theater that's making out. I'm gonna lean forward and whisper "This is nice" in a minute.
@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@aksorojas: ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows